Re-commitment

That is what Team in Training calls it when you sign the official “I’m going all the way” paperwork. My hands shook just a bit when I dropped the envelope stating YES, BUY MY AIRLINE TICKET AND REGISTER ME FOR THE RACE into a mail slot in Lincoln City, a few weeks ago. Why was I so nervous?!
Re-commitment means I will be running almost everyday, for the next 6 weeks…
(and I am still not feeling those endorphins)
Plus I need to raise $3,300 in donations by Oct. 2, or they charge it to our debit card…
(and I presently have raised less than $1,000)

Now, I am certain that if I had known THEN about the hypothyroidism problem, I would not have re-committed. However, at the beginning of August I still thought my achy joints and exhaustion was just my old body “getting used to this running stuff” and that the fatigue would stop, any day now.
So…
I have been really anxious the last week or so. I’ve been learning that it will probably take a few months before my medication dosages are fine tuned.
To learn that I probably won’t feel strong or energetic until it does?
It’s not just frustrating, it’s downright terrifying.

I am looking at the next six weeks training schedule and almost every day has between 4 and 12 miles required. Without my thyroid functioning I feel fuzzy headed.
My muscles ache like I am starting to get the flu. I feel slightly depressed and weep for no reason at all. I can sleep ten hours a night yet drag through the day as if there were still a newborn in the house.
In fact, this all feels a lot like the first 6 weeks of mothering, in that I always need a shower and it feels like a major victory just to get the dishwasher loaded!
So I wonder:
How will I raise $2,400 in donations this month?

How will I find the strength to start school with my newly 4th, 6th and 8th grade boys?

How will I get us all to the Co-ops and Bible Study Fellowship classes that are starting this month?

When will I get the to freeze/can all the hard work I put into that veggie garden?

How will I make sure that both John and Caleb’s birthdays feel special, important and wonderful?

Scariest of all? That all of this is EXTRA.
Added on to cleaning house, planning meals, laundry, ministry, friendships, family visiting, weeding and watering, grocery shopping, weekly Meals on Wheels deliveries. Are you tired of me whining? Me too!
Just understand-I was freaking out last night with this thought, this intense feeling that I am being asked to spin gold out of straw, and my very life depends on completing these impossible tasks. Over and over in my head was this thought:
“How can I ever do it? I am going to fail!”

Ask John: Nothing freaks his wife out more than the thought of failing her friends, her family, herself, her Lord. I was overwhelmed by fear, and at 8 PM I announced “I’m going to bed.”
On my nightstand, a new book called “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan. I start reading it, just to distract myself from my looming nervous breakdown and it totally helped me gain perspective. In it he states that we all need something in our lives that we will absolutely fail in, if God doesn’t step in.
That is what builds our faith, helps us grow-causing us to be totally dependent on God for the next step. I know this is true. It’s always been true and now I see that THIS is what this season IS, for me.
Since I believe that God is sovereign, I trust that He knew of my wacky thyroid and that there was a reason He didn’t let me know until AFTER I had re-committed to Team in Training. If God’s strength begins where ours comes to an end (thanks Steven C. Chapman) then there is nothing like ill health to bring you to the end of yourself, and fast. I believe God timed these events perfectly. I was kicking myself that I found out about the hypothyroidism 2 weeks, too late and missed my chance to wriggle out of this commitment, guilt free. Until I realized Who was at work, here.
Last night it hit me:

God wants me to complete this race.
I don’t know why but I know how.
He’s going to do it.
and I am going to come out on the other side, jubilant and praising Him for being all sufficient and all powerful, and doing the impossible in my life. again.

“My strength is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

About sparrowjourney

Christian homeschooling mom to three boys, married to my best friend, John, for over 20 years. I love gardening without gloves, learning history with my kids, cooking with lots of butter, serving others, great books, rich coffee, studying the Bible, camping outdoors, scrapbooking, vintage home decor, the smell of rain and cut grass, authentic people, poetry, laughing until your sides hurt, and babies. oh and black licorice is pretty awesome.
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